ROBANDDEB Report post Posted February 10, 2006 Just being nosey again Having a daughter with AS / selective mute/teenager/hormones We have been through far far too much much too even begin to mention. I was just curious to know (if it doesnt upset anyone) How many times have you nearly split from your partners or have you split . Are you going it alone ? We generally do ok and have grown stronger through this but there has been many a time its caused some big rows and i ve thought about jacking it in and going. ( I wouldnt though but it gets you like that dont it ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
niki Report post Posted February 10, 2006 OHHH more times than fingers and toes, sometimes we are just soooooo knackered from a bad night or an emotionally draining day we end up screaming at each other, we give each other space to calm down then when BOTH ready we discuss exactly what went wrong, we just keep talking. J and i are extremly stubbron ppl and we wouldnt leave each other out of spite, but to be truthful we have spoken about the big D word on several occaisions not just because of our son tho i hasten to add ( J suffers with manic depression) but we always seem to bounce back, lucky i guess! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted February 10, 2006 I think our shared faith helps keep us together more than anything - it's certainly been tough but you know the old saying ... "The family that together stays together" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted February 10, 2006 I could imagine this could very emotive for some people. Hubbs and I have had many arguments over our children but his mum's advice was never go to bed on an argument and we never, ever have. We've been together over 20 years now ... we've never considered splitting. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted February 10, 2006 Hubbs and I have had many arguments over our children but his mum's advice was never go to bed on an argument and we never, ever have. We've been together over 20 years now ... we've never considered splitting. Good advice and also the same advice my Dad gave to me - However my hubby often choses that time (bed time) to go out for a pro-longed walk and returns when we are all in bed. I suppose that this stops the fight so why then does it make me so We have split once a long time ago actually before we got married - but we are sure as hell having a very colourful week this week Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted February 10, 2006 <'> <'> <'> Carole <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted February 10, 2006 (edited) We split several times when my son was little, probably because he slept about 4 hours in every 24 from being very young and I was permenantly shattered, I was also stressed as he wasn't developing 'normally' couldn't sit until after a year old, crawling was about 15/16 months, walking well after 18 months. So I was always paranoid (and rightly so when I look back) that things were not right. His Dad said look the HV said he is fine you are just paranoid, well that started a fair few arguments. Then other issues mainly because we were young when the boys were born, my partner was just under 19 when our oldest was born, I was 20. Could say its took Peter Pan a while to realise what responsibilities are and how to deal with them. No he hasn't grown up, he never will Now issues are usually caused by one or both of us being exhausted, him being stressed about Uni or work, me trying to get him to see my way of thinking and taking me trying to help him understand Mikey as him doing wrong all the time and he sees it as I am telling him off. Edited February 10, 2006 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
asereht Report post Posted February 10, 2006 We generally do ok and have grown stronger through this but there has been many a time its caused some big rows and i ve thought about jacking it in and going. ( I wouldnt though but it gets you like that dont it ) Same here Yes it does get you like that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarerQuie Report post Posted February 10, 2006 I think that having a special child does put a strain on the whole family.Shared faith and values have helped us to ride out the sticky patches.xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smallworld Report post Posted February 10, 2006 'We' never go to bed on an argument, I do !!! I've learned it's sometimes better to just leave and go bed depends on how asd your partnership is, I suppose we would argue our way round in circles, getting more and more ridiculous, walking away is the best thing I've learned ( got that from here ) gives me chance to formulate my argument if it continues the next day it never does ! this way, I'm far more likely to get an apology wac Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shell Report post Posted February 11, 2006 me and stevens dad split up when he was a baby because he could not cope with the constant crying, even now 7 years later he still finds it hard to understand him and the things he does so only see him for a short time every other weekend. also my new husband has the same problems and can't seam to cope or deal with him (husband has been refured to hospital they think he id ADHD/ASD) to the point that we have just split up aswell. although he has been to see the doctor to see some kind of parenting classes to help him understand what is going on in S mind and how to deal with him Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lynden Report post Posted February 11, 2006 We've been fairly lucky in that we dont argue about it too much, I think the main thing we do argue about from time to time is it not seeming to phase DH at all but I wonder if thats part of his AS? We've thankfully never come close to splitting up and if anything are closer. I do think it puts a strain on relationships with friends and extended family though. Lynne x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie Report post Posted February 11, 2006 W have our moments 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 11, 2006 Me and my ex husband have been divorced since my youngest was 2 (he's just turned 9). It was pre dx for both the boys but if we hadn't split then I'm certain we would have later because he just refuses to take their dx seriously. His whole family do. My ex FIL is a GP and his reaction to DS1's dx was to say 'oh he'll grow out of that' and he hasn't even acknowledged DS2's dx Like I said, he is a GP, and the whole of that side of the family hang on his every word. This would have been very difficult to deal with if I'd still been married in to that family. I have been living with Terry since 2003, and even though it's been a sharp learning curve for him regarding ASD, he's shown more care, concern, and understanding than their dad ever has. Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LKS Report post Posted February 11, 2006 It will be our 25th anniversary this year, so I suppose we must have a pretty strong relationship. But like PP we have had our moments and then some Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
redberry Report post Posted February 11, 2006 My husband really makes me alot. Some times he actually means too!! We have been together for 14 years , S is 8 and had dx this week altho we have 'known' he was aspie for about three years. We have been lucky no major ding dongs, still in Lurve (yick!) Maybe its because we are both Maccams, give each other lots of space or just damn lucky? What ever, its working still. Really hard for people it doesn't work out for <'> Im truly grateful redberry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kirstie Report post Posted February 12, 2006 My Mums cousin works in a special school fro kids on the spectrum and she says the majority of parents have split because of the stress of it all. We are lucky in that we don't argue over ASD son but we do seem to lock horns now and agin over NT eldest son (Teenager, need i say more?) Maybe it's because he is their stepfather and i am the one who lays down the law as it were, he backs me up. Works for us. I don't know how i would react to him being more than that. Is that bad? I can honestly say things would've been far worse if i was still with the biological Dad for 101 reasons. Biological or not i would never let either of them smack my children. I feel very very strongly about that.Without being sexist they are sometimes bigger stronger louder more scary- well thats how i felt when i was a kid. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted February 12, 2006 Z and I are pathetic. Together 22 years last week (both forgot the anniversary as Com was suspended the day before ), still in lurve and we argue every 2-3 years. The last one was about washing up (last summer) and it lasted one sentence! As we both have ASD traits, we never argue over the kids because we both want them to get all the help we never did. Problems seem to pull us together, rather than apart. We try not to question why - "if it works, don't fix it". I've always found that "the family that plays together, stays together". As I said - pathetic Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
call me jaded Report post Posted February 12, 2006 A fly on the wall would assume (if it were capable) that Mr J and I were on the verge of splitting up. Giving him an exasperated retort one morning last week I realised my 6 year old had heard. Catching her eye before I could say anything she said 'Yeah, but you love him anyway'. My ASD boy gets fits of laughter if he ever hears us 'go off on one'. We are a frank household. 'Phew! Your breath smells' gets a 'Isn't it time you did your roots' in response. Every three or four years life stresses puts a strain on one of us and we get through a dark tunnel by the other one putting their head down and peddling like mad until we come out the other end. Unconventional and it was only supposed to be a fling, but he asked me to marry him on our first date. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted February 12, 2006 littlenemo,i dont think its pathetic,i think its lovely <'> i love romance but usually dont get it,my birthday card last week was to hev love nick written on a betting slip!! saying that though we plod along nicely in our way,hes v good with k and s,i get stressed very easily and he just carries on reading the paper,good move i think,we have argued loads about steve in the past,split up about 4 times but havent split up for 4 years so i think we ok now Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justamom Report post Posted February 12, 2006 Its a good question what amount of strain having a AS child can be on your relationship.. We find it hard and my 12y old son rules the roost and its causes problems because I am not consitant and hubby lays down the law and we bump heads because I am being too soft. The thing is that I am with the kids alot more that he is, he works long hours so whatever works for me does not necessarily work for him - we agree to disagree Guess what I am saying is we have been together for 14years this year and been thru alot of hardship but we seem to come thru in the end.. Its a constant struggle though... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 12, 2006 I have to be honest, I love to hear success stories like Littlenemo and Zemanski, and others, who despite all the pressures and heartaches, keep it together and make things great for their family. I often feel like I've let myseld down and the kids by giving in so easily and getting divorced from their dad. Even though it takes two to make or break a relationship, I feel like such a failure at times. Consequently it really cheers me when I hear of peopel making it work. Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 12, 2006 I think Ian Jordan may have secretly prescribed Nemo a pair of rose tinted specs - we do pretty well and we don't argue much but we do still have our frustrations and our ups and downs. fortunately, I have to agree they are mostly ups! Zemanski Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted February 12, 2006 "Always look on the bright side of life" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 12, 2006 it's been a good three weeks - shall we go for another three? Z Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 12, 2006 nemo, zemanski..... GET A ROOM!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 12, 2006 sorry - wrong allusion this refers to the fact that Nemo and I have only ever agreed to stay together for 3 weeks because I was going to China and he was heading into the wilds of Scotland on his banana bus Z Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 12, 2006 Zemanski, that reference to the banana bus, you have no idea what images it conjures up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted February 12, 2006 (edited) Can you keep it down in here please? Canopus and I are trying to discuss square wave control of LEDs next door and we can't hear ourselves think for the laughter The Banana Bus was the perfect vehicle - everyone gives way and drives carefully for a school bus. 150 miles of single track roads in the north of Scotland and every single car or tractor pulled into passing places and happily waited for us to pass. and all because... Edited February 12, 2006 by littlenemo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 12, 2006 It was YELLOW!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mel Report post Posted February 13, 2006 me and my sons dad split up when i was pregnant with my son but i feel really lucky. the partner i have now has Aspergers and so does his son so he is a lot more understanding and helps me deal with my little boy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 13, 2006 It was YELLOW!!!! And banana shaped???? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 13, 2006 No, just long and yellow Zemanski Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
call me jaded Report post Posted February 13, 2006 I thought Zemanski was going to declare a love for M*** T*** Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted February 13, 2006 No, just long and yellow Zemanski I'd get yourself off to the docs with that mate! Hubby and I VERY rarely argued pre Boy. We do tend to argue more these days & it is generally about The Boy - either cos one or the other of us disagrees how to handle a situation & this is excacerbated by lack of sleep. We all love each other loads tho & I know we'll be sitting together on Skeggy front sharing a bag of chips when we're 80. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted February 13, 2006 Who's M***T***? never heard of her Z Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted February 13, 2006 <'> <'> <'> to everyone who is struggling Bid <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie Report post Posted February 13, 2006 (edited) Mr P and I have been together since I was 17. Weve been , through cancer, redundancy and all sorts but we are still together driving each other mad. As he always says if hed killed someone hed be out now on parole. Aw bless! If youve ever heard that song by Hewey Lewis and the News happy to be stuck with you thats us. Yes hes rubbish at birthdays aND stuff but hes there when I need him - except on a monday when hes playing football or afterwards whe he plays play station with his mates. Or when top gears on the telly. Forget that hes rubbish when I think about it But very nice rubbish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Edited February 13, 2006 by pumpkinpie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lotty Report post Posted February 13, 2006 every three years for 6 months at atime over the last 14 years, and only just realised its because we are on the spectrum to not just the kids, and no one in our house has been able to fully understand each other propery all this time, now we all know what we have got each we can work around it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lancelot Report post Posted February 13, 2006 (edited) Definitely have our moments... The thing at the back of my mind is that DH once referrred to C's Aspergers as a 'life sentence' (for himself, as his dad) and really desperately wishes he didn't have it and was 'normal'. But C is ridiculously like me in most aspects except for the degree of his reactions, and I recognise very many aspects of my childhood in any of the adult aspies books. So presumably DH feels he has a double life sentence, as he's been landed with the two of us, thinking we were 'normal'. Doesn't make me feel too good. I find it hard to discuss this with him -- especially as we seem to take it in turns to crash into depression over the kids, house, universe etc anyway It's a touchy area Forgot to add: anyway, and I do feel pretty guilty for accidentally landing him in a situstion that's so hard on him (even if the swine is AWYA for all of half term and evading his responsibilities!) Edited February 13, 2006 by lancelot Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites