Sensibly cautious or unreasonably overprotective?

[baddad]

Hi all. Would appreciate your thoughts on this one?

Yesterday, one of the dinner ladies at Ben?s school stopped me on my way back from dropping him off to ask me if it would be OK for her to take Ben out with her when she walked her dog. She had asked Ben at school, and he?d said he would like to, but had said she would need to speak to me (good boy, Ben!).

Great a new friend for Ben, some time off for me? So why am I so uncomfortable about it?

1) I know Ben ?likes? this lady at school, but not to the degree that I suspect SHE thinks he likes her? he just goes to her more often because she?s more responsive to him and slightly better at helping him fulfil his own agenda, if YSWIM. She?s certainly not ?significant? to him in the sense that he comes home and mentions her, and I suspect that outside of the playground he would probably not respond to her beyond his usual polite hello unless she actually instigated some sort of play with him?

2) I think that she has maybe got some wrong (potentially unhelpful) ideas about the nature of Ben?s diagnosis ? that she sees him as a ?poor misunderstood kid? who just needs a bit of TLC to get him back on track. Possibly she?s making assumptions about home life (no mum around, dad ?struggling? ?cos ? well a bloke on his own would, wouldn?t he? ), and that maybe if she gets involved she can ?rescue? him from some of that? In a nutshell, I think her motivation might have more to do with how she perceives Ben?s situation than how it actually is, and that old chestnut about there being a ?normal? child trapped inside of him, and that she could be the one to release him from that?

 

Now, if it wasn?t for certain other factors, my natural instinct would be to ?suck it and see?, but there are a few other things I?m also uncomfortable about?

I don?t really know this woman. Apart from a few conversations at the school gate (just casual stuff like how her son?s getting on at school ? he?s in the year below Ben - etc), and she doesn?t know US. She doesn?t know, for example, that Ben?s talk tends to be ?stream of consciousness? in nature; that if he thinks it, he?ll say it. She doesn?t know that he talks in absolutes; that his world is often ?black and white?. (An example: while talking to me yesterday she said that Ben had asked her one lunchtime if he could go home with her. She asked him why, and he told her that he knew she had a PS2, and he wasn?t being allowed to play his at home because I was punishing him? That one was quite innocent, but given the way Ben uses language he could just as easily have told her something that was totally open to misinterpretation?He told my sister once that a bruise on his leg was there because of me hitting him! My sister knew that he meant we were play fighting and he?d bashed into the chair/table/whatever?) Someone with the kind of preconceptions I?ve mentioned above, who didn?t know me/us so well, could easily jump to the wrong conclusions.

This woman works at Ben?s school. I don?t know if she?s one of those who likes to ?gossip?, but I do know that she talks to other parents who do. I also know that our situation (mine and Ben?s) attracts gossip anyway (not exactly the nuclear family are we!), and that gossip is usually not very complimentary, or burdened by the usual inconveniences like ?facts?.

 

Now, onto my biggest concern?

Ben has no ?networks? whatsoever. His mum doesn?t see him (nor do any of her family, incidentally), though she does drift in and out (birthday?s/Christmas usually) from time to time making all sorts of promises that aren?t kept. For all of that, Ben has a very positive view of his mother (not always easy for me to manage, I can tell you!) and knows that she loves him, and that the reasons she doesn?t see him are personal rather than being any reflection on him. My own family are just as bad ? while we occasionally spend time together with a couple of members of my family, there is no ?regular? contact and, certainly no spontaneous, significant interaction (None have ever taken him out for the day, for example).

Several respite carer?s have come and gone, with no real opportunities for ?closure??

We are very isolated socially, partly as a result of the ?unusual? nature of our family; partly because of Ben?s behavioural problems and partly because of defences I?ve erected to offset some of the other hurtful abandonment?s he?s had to deal with (this eight year old has had more loss in his life than most adults could cope with?).

 

And. As if all that cr*p wasn?t enough to be going on with?

I?ve had a phone call today (why do these sorts of things always come in clusters?) from Ben?s One-To-One befriender, who he?s been spending a few hours every couple of weeks with for the past 9 months or so. She?s going to have to give it up in the New Year? To be honest, it wasn?t a total surprise; things have been happening within her own family and life that couldn?t have been predicted when she ?signed up?, but the timing is lousy, because it had just got to the point where Ben was beginning to see her as a ?friend? rather than just as and ?adult who he saw sometimes??On this one we are (hopefully) going to get a few weeks closure to help minimise the impact, but there?s no escaping the fact it will be another loss.

 

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a novel. Sometimes I go on FAR too much!

 

I?m aware that there may be a whiff of paranoia about some of this post. It?s not that I?m naturally that way (I don?t think so, anyway) it?s just the past eight years or so has made me very wary.

 

The obvious answer would seem to be to put the outings on hold and get to know the woman a bit more beforehand. The thing I don?t like about that is that I feel I?ve been ?pushed? into it.

 

Another answer would be to say ?Thanks, but no thanks?, but then I might be denying Ben the opportunity for a friendship that could have a future (to be honest, it?d be much easier if her son was a friend of Ben?s, but I don?t think they even know each other)

 

The other option would be that ?suck it and see? approach I mentioned above, but that really, really does make me nervous for all sorts of reasons, not least the potential for Ben to be hurt if it does all go pear shaped.

 

Oh ? two final things:

Ben has said he would like to go? I think this has more to do with ?novelty value? than genuine interest, but it doesn?t mean the former wouldn?t evolve into the latter, does it?

I?m fairly sure the woman is married, so I don?t think there?s any ?ulterior? motive involving ME, though I am incredibly handsome/desirable of course so this should not be ruled out entirely

ANY advice greatly appreciated. This may all sound a bit daft, but it really, really is causing me a great deal of worry

 

L&P

BD

[Guest flutter]

after the week i have had so far

i would take it soo slowly

i think maybe you could try something but all together

but on other hand, our kids concepts leave us with a bit of a mess to clear up

i have come to the conclusion that our life is better as it is

hard as it may be

so i dont really think i have helped have i

sorry

C xx

[Calsdad]

Hi baddad,

 

Being a single dad of an ASD child I can see where you are coming from, especially with the views of some people of single fathers and their ideas that it the childs behaviour may be something to do with his/her situation in the home with a dad only.

I too would be reluctant to allow my son to go alone with this woman, whom may have the best of intentions. Infact I would probably just say no, on the grounds that she is not a friend or family member just an adult from the school. If he doesn't know her socially then she shouldn't be allowed into the circle of trust. If I was to let my son go alone with someone in this situation I think it would undo a lot of the work about strangers and the dangers of trusting them, it would certainly fuzzy his boundries with regards this as he is very absolute and just doesn't talk to people he doesn't know. however this is my son and everyone is different.

If I were going to consider this I would probably suggest that I go too for the dog walk so as to see what the interaction was like and ensure it was appropriate.

 

Cheers

Malc

[bid]

My immediate thought was why hasn't she just asked Ben to come and play with her son, with you along for a coffee??

 

That's the 'normal' arrangement in playgrounds.

 

I would think it odd if a dinner lady asked if either of my NT daughters could come and walk her dog with her.

 

Just a thought, and I've got to go to work now so can't add more...

 

I'll be interested to see what other people think...

 

Bid

[Suze]

Hi badders...............a bit of a long post mate, I guess the old AOL is up and running then .Why was a dog walk suggested, does Ben like dogs? Does this woman live near you,could she call on the way with her dog and maybe just go for a quick half hour walk, nothing too enthusiastic.I supposed it,s nice that she has taken an interest ,her intentions may be kind and honest , you never know . Do you socialise with many folks out of school etc, you sound a little shy of the social aspects, not at all like your nemisis on here .My son enjoys the company of adults a lot more than kids, so he would enjoy a walk etc, but Ben obviously isn,t my son , and I understand your concerns,best of luck with you decision, Suzex <'> .

[Kathryn]

I'm resisting the temptation to be my usual flippant self and ask if she is 1) rich and 2) attractive. There, I've resisted it, so I'll go on....

 

 

My gut reation is no. As an employee of the school she has a professional responsibility to your son and it would be inappropriate for her to have a relationship with him outside school. It is blurring the boundaries and could result in a severe conflict of interest. You would think it hightly strange, would you not, if a similar proposal was made by a class teacher.

 

The only appropriate circumsatances would be, as Bid has suggested, if the lady's son was friendly with Ben. She would then be approaching Ben in her role as a parent and as Bid said, you would get to know her in the usual way, when the two children get together to play.

 

Just posting my first reaction - I don't have time to consider all the angles and so I'm interested to see what others think too!

 

K

Edited November 9, 2005 by Kathryn

[smiley]

Hmmmm - gut reaction? No.

 

And for all the reasons that everyones mentioned above. It just makes me feel uneasy

 

<'>

 

Does Ben have a friend in his class? My son is a hit with the laddies ( ) - i think because they are more tolerant of him - and we have had a friend over for tea on a couple of occasions.

 

And what is it about being a single parent that makes people think your s*x mad??!!! I was a single (yummy!) mummy for a couple of years, before i met hubs and peoples (- including close friends -) reactions were very odd . Suddenly i could no longer pop round friends houses for a cuppa, incase i nicked her husband .

 

Sorry - off on a tangent.... just winds me up.

[oracle]

I have to begin by saying go with your gut on this one Badders. More often than not your gut will be telling you the right thing.

 

I do not know this Dinner Lady but we did have something similar happen with an elderly lady in our Community Centre. She also had a dog and was desperate to take Matthew out walking with the dog. Matthew liked the dog but was totally disinterested in its owner. I got the overwhelming feeling that this lady was actually trying to make herself feel better by doing her bit for a socially deprived family. You can probably see that I am not a nice person and that I also have an over active imagination but its how I felt. Our lady was also asking to baby sit and in the end became a bit of a problem.

 

Terry and I both decided that we did not think that it was a good idea to let Matthew go walkies with woman and dog. It was difficult telling her. I know that it does sound lame when you say that your child is very different out of the setting that the person is used to seeing them in - but with our kids it is the truth.

 

There are family members that I am most unhappy about letting them take Matthew out. Even though with one person I have no choice(been over ruled sadly) it always ends in disaster and we end up picking up the pieces for days. So if in doubt say no as nicely as you know how.

 

On a different track altogether - what does being married have to do with anything?

 

See told you that I am not a very nice person

 

Craole

[annie]

Hi BD,

 

I have to agree with Kathryn that the woman's responsibility as an employee of the school would make it a no-no, especially if the school found out. As Bid has said, if she had asked Ben to come and play with her son while you and her have a cuppa that would be a different story My reaction would be to say no.

 

Good to see your broadband is back to normal.

[barefoot wend]

I do not think that you are being over-cautious. If it were my son I would worry that she does not fully comprehend the possible difficulties that could arise. Plus, I'm not sure that my son would feel comfortable with someone who is not that well known to him. Further, I'm not too sure that my son would find it that easy to react to this person outside school in the same way that he does inside school. I would worry that the two would be seen as separate by him and that this lady might seem like a totally 'new' person.

 

 

However, if your son is keen it seems a shame not to use this opportunity. If he's anything like my lot, I'd guess the attraction is the dog, not her.

 

I don't know your circumstances but would it be possible for you to tag along? Alternatively, could she bring her dog round to your house one day for your son to meet?

 

 

Barefoot

[call me jaded]

If I were going to consider this I would probably suggest that I go too for the dog walk so as to see what the interaction was like and ensure it was appropriate.

 

Me too.

 

Any chance of 'checking out' this woman's references, so to speak? An unofficial word with the headteacher? Ben's class teacher?

 

It's probably all very well-meant and you never know, you might get to dispell a few of the erroneous rumours that are in evitably going around.

 

OTOH you could soldier on as a man of mystery.

 

BTW I do have a bit of second hand knowledge on this, as my brother had sole custody (do they still call it that?) of his now 23 year old son. He is of course my elder

[littlenemo]

Well, if no-one else is going to be flippant, i guess it's up to me...

 

You have a delicate social dilemma - solution? Ask the aspies, they'll know what to do

 

I doubt that there are many parents here who would let their kid go off with an adult who doesn't know most of the possible problems and how to deal with them (except grandparents who are usually a law unto themselves ). So you could give her 'the talk' which should put her off, make her think you're overprotective and start a whole new slew of playground gossip. Or you could offer to go with them, which won't put her off, but will make her think you're interested in her and start a whole new slew of playground gossip...

 

One thing we have learn with Com is that walking is probably the best form of stress-relief around. When he's at his worst an hour or two's walk almost always does the trick - and he sleeps better at night. So if someone else is offering, it's tempting. However with a new person, situation and unpredictable dog, Ben could end up more stressed than when he left...

 

So my advice, for what it's worth, is "Thanks for the lovely offer, but I'm afraid..."

 

nemo

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Bad,

 

It would be best to say NO.

 

I've trained in child protection and I would be very suspicious of any adult who asked a child who was supposed to be under their protection in a school environment to accompany them anywhere. I know she has asked your permission but it is still not responsible from a professional point of view.

 

I agree with Barefoot that if you were able to tag along this would be more appropriate. Why not voice your concerns to this dinner lady, explain how her suggestion looks to a parent and that she really should be more careful in her role as a child protector. It may be all innocent but that may not be how someone else will see it.

 

Daisy

[asereht]

I think I would have to think long and hard about this offer.

 

Then the very fact that I had to think about it would make me say no .

 

Sorry not much advice here.

 

Theresa

[Zemanski]

we have good relationships outside school with a couple of people, LSAs, in school but the contacts were built through us first and one of them knew us well before he became Com's LSA and his daughter is Dot's best(ish) friend. - very different.

 

a similar situation has just arisen with our hairdresser though - offers to babysit, etc. He's a great bloke but seems to think he can educate Com socially more effectively than we can and unfortunately we've already seen him wind Com up - the answer there is a definite no but it's awkward as we do know him socially too.

 

Zemanski

[darky]

to be honest i would say no. its crazy isnt it that we cant ever seem to find the right balance? we deal with on one hand people that treat our kids like lepors, scared of them and on the other hand there is always some annoying person who thinks they can "cure" our children or some how build up a rapore that no one else can! its irritating! i can sit here and write for ages about whats gone wrong when we have tried, but i wont bore you or scare you!

i would just say, go with your gut feeling and do whats right. i bet your son wont be bothered. would this woman know what to do if your son decided to melt down or run off? if not, theres your answer.

[Suze]

Pondered this some more , ..........................there are several families and friends whom I choose not to see or socialise with since my sons DX.I found chatting about the kids etc really , as they used to go on and on about how well their kids were doing at ballet/school/cubs/swimming.Whose birthday party they,d been invited too, who was having a sleep over etc.I got to the point where I could,nt stomache it any more .So if I,m being perfectly honest my son does,nt have much to do with anyone outside of the immeadiate family.He has a few friends who he plays with and has tea at their house , but thats only 2 and their mums are my best mates.I find the people I trust most are those who are in the "know" as it were and have knowledge of autism and know my son well.(one of his 2 friends is blind so they get on quite well).My gut reaction at first Baddad was yipee Ben can make a friend , one who can look out for him at school etc , and I thought how nice, an adult wants spend time getting to know Ben.I now think I should try living in the real world .............I guess I mean proceed with caution. The suggestion could have been made with the very best of intentions, it would be beyond the comfort zone for me.

[alibaly]

We complain when people don't do anything to try and foster understanding and integration with our children and when they do..........................

[Hectorshouse]

hmmm .... very difficult one this, but as has been said normal parent/friend relationships start together, you have a chat over a coffee with the children their etc ... Saying that, this is what I have done as a parent.

 

As someone with AS I never had this happen to me, but I did tend to adopt various adults during my childhood apart from my parents, also T has always been a favourite with the dinner ladies, always gets extra xmas pressies from them etc ... but I think this is a kind of mascot thing.

 

I would go with you gut instinct, but don't put this lady off, she might turn out to be a ray of help, invite her round for a coffee and go from there, one step at a time.

 

Your not unreasonably overprotective, I would have had my concerns as well.

 

HHxx

[Helen]

Hi Badders,

Great a new friend for Ben, some time off for me? So why am I so uncomfortable about it?

The reason why you're uncomfortable with this lady's invitation is because your gut instinct is warning you (for whatever reason) to be cautious... gut instinct can be a powerful influence, especially where our children are concerned.

 

Tell her "thanks, but no thanks," in a polite sort of way of course.

 

<'> <'> to you and Ben

[ray]

If it were me, it would be an immediate 'no' to this lady's offer of going alone with Ben. Having said that if you feel that there is a possibility that this sort of relationship could beneit Ben (and yourself indirectly), suggest you offer to go along the first time and play it by ear. I guess the tricky bit may be from her perspective if she's married (going out with another man and his son) so that may be the reason she suggested just her & Ben in the first place? So you may need to overcome this somehow.

 

Really tricky one, but go with yr instincts.

 

ray

[Brook]

I think that I would politely decline this offer.

As you say, she may well have every good intention but, I would not allow my son to go out with a virtual stranger, he may well act very different to her in a completey different setting and situation and as you say our kids can say things that others take the wrong way, I think this could cause a lot of grief that you both could do without.

Also when out and about you need to be fully aware of things that could cause meltdown, also road sense etc... which some people find very difficult to accept when your child is at the age when they are normally aware.

 

I also thought that if I was this lady, would I really want to be putting myself in this position, my answer would be NO! It would certainly be a different matter if YOU knew her already, but this actually sounds a bit strange to me. Maybe she does think that she can develop this amazing relationship with Ben and achieve things with him that nobody else can, there are alot of people without the understanding that think like that, and I am not knocking them but, it is very frustrating.

 

I agree with some of the others about you getting to know her more, also to maybe give her more insight into ASD's, maybe in the future you will feel this could then be possible, but for now I would say if you have misgivings then listen to them.

 

Brook

 

Thanks Lancelot have now corrected my error

Edited November 9, 2005 by Brook

[Kazzen161]

I'd say trust your instincts they are usually right.

 

Karen

[lancelot]

Errm, I listen to my misconceptions quite a lot, Brook, but I guess here you meant 'misgivings'?

[lorryw]

Hi Baddad,

Is it possible the dog could be the main attraction for Ben? Perhaps Ben hasnt given this lady a thought and is simply looking forward to seeing the dog.If Ben is keen perhaps you could you ask if you and Ben could take the dog out without her. It would give you a chance to suss her out and for Ben to enjoy Fido (or Spot, Shep etc etc)

You know Ben best, go with your instincts.

Love Loraine xxx

[littlenemo]

If you could decline politely, maybe explain that in new situations Ben can meldown or do a runner (or imply child abuse [probably best not mention that one]) and offer to lend her a book on AS 'to help understand Ben better'. That may improve/develop some trust between the two of you. It might also help if she's under the delusion that she might be that special person to 'snap him out of it' as darky mentioned above.

It may even filter some AS information into the school through the back door, as it were.

 

Alibaly is right, and there must be some way to bridge the gap between needing help and fearing those who offer it.

 

Tomorrow's mission: bridge-building

[baddad]

WOW!!

Thank you all so much for your responses... They have been hugely helpful, probably mostly because i'm now reassured that I'm not just over-reacting.

I think the toughest bit of this is how to extract myself (and ben) from this without hurting anyones feelings... I'm fairly confident that the offer is well intentioned, but truth is at this point i don't think it's an offer i want to take up...

Asking the school senco 'off the record' for her opinion does seem like a good idea, so I'll try and do that...

FWIW, I think I'm going to explain the situation re Ben's one-to-one befriender, the fact that xmas is likely to see his mum make some sort of contact, and a few other relevent bits I didn't post ('cos the post was already the teensiest bit long! ), and ask if we could give the dust time to settle around these events first. In the meantime, I'll bung her a few books on autism, and see how she responds to those.

I'm also thinking that if she does want to do this, then perhaps the way forward would be to do it 'officially' through the befriending scheme, working on the assumption that if she shows enough commitment to go 'on record' then it may be something that has a reasonable chance of panning out. if she finds that objectionable, and can't see why I would be more comfortable that way, then - let's face it- chances are we wouldn't see eye to eye about things anyway.

The thing I don't like about getting involved in a friendship myself (and this probably IS OTT!) is that i'd sort of feel shoe-horned into it, which makes me feel uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons...

Now, the craziest bit of all:

Despite saying he would like to go, BEN HATES DOGS!!! Well, actually he likes dogs, but from a distance if YSWIM. Even worse, her dogs some huge 'hound of the baskerville' thing (though, I'm assures, he's soft as ****)! Now with most kids I'd say this is a good opportunity to overcome that phobia, but with ben. One of his mates at school has a teeny beagle/basset cross (I call it a bagle!) puppy, and Ben jumps every time THAT goes within his comfort zone!

 

Any fine tuning suggestions for the above would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks

BD.

 

PS: Nemo: Your 'gossip' prompting suggestions are far too close to home for comfort . I know I shouldn't give a monkeys - but i do...

 

SUZE: Re my bi-polar social skills... It's sort of like this:

 

"life and soul of the party":

 

"After the ball is over":

 

Anywhere inbetween and I'm all at sea !!

L&P

BD

[call me jaded]

All this and he doesn't like dogs!

[darky]

is ben likely to melt down anytime he feels out of control with the dog? if so i would not take the risk seriously. i was on the recieving end of a serious melt down on friday for something i was convinced my daughter could cope with, i went prepared (or so i thought) with a backup plan (or so i thought) and i got one hell of a shock bruised shins, and less hair and one very distressed little girl. i certainly wont be taking chances again! this was something i thought i could predict and something my daughter was adamant she wanted to do, bless.

[baddad]

All this and he doesn't like dogs!

yes - it SHOULD all be so simple, shouldn't it...

 

I think Ben just sees it as a possible 'field-trip', which is why he said yes>

If Freddy Krueger made him the same offer he'd probably say yes, purely and simply because he gets out for an hour with somebody 'new'...

 

When I mentioned the dog phobia to her I sort of got the impression she thought I was making excuses... she suggested the first outing(s) could be just a walk without the dog, until he felt comfortable. Now you've reminded me, i think Ill add that to the 'plan' above... let her see for herself how uncomfortable ben is around the bagle.

[asereht]

When I mentioned the dog phobia to her I sort of got the impression she thought I was making excuses... she suggested the first outing(s) could be just a walk without the dog, until he felt comfortable.

She's a bit over keen isn't she Now I really would be cautious.

 

T

[nikrix]

she sees him as a ?poor misunderstood kid?

 

Sorry just had to pick up on this.

isn't that enough to put you off. They always someone out there that thinks that about our kids.

 

But on that note, i would be the same as you, not wanting to hurt someones feelings.

 

Think you have to on this one

NIkrix x

[bid]

Bads

 

I've been thinking about this situation today, and the whole thing just feels really wrong...

 

I don't even think you should tie yourself up with lending her books, the befriender scheme idea, etc, etc...

 

The school wouldn't think it was appropriate for a member of staff to make this suggestion...as I said before, if Ben was friends with her son and you were both invited round for a 'break the ice' session, that would be fine.

 

I think you should just politely decline, and not go into great long, involved explanations...'Ben doesn't like dogs I'm afraid' should be quite adequate.

 

The fact that she hasn't just accepted that explanation should ring even more alarm bells...

 

If she collars you again, I would just firmly repeat the thing about dogs, and then say you had to go, so good-bye!

 

For one reason or another (sinister/your s*x appeal /well-meaning but interferring/or any combination of these or others I haven't thought of...) she wants to get involved with you and Ben...and that seems like a potential problem to me!!

 

Good luck and keep us informed

 

Bid

 

Bid

[smallworld]

Just a thought here,

Don't you think it's a bit odd that she asked Ben first and then checked with you ?

Perhaps it was a spur of the moment thing that she now feels she must carry out cos she 'promised' Ben ?

Personally, I'd politely decline the offer with the excuse about mixing home/school relationships, perhaps mentioning that it may make her job as a dinnerlady more difficult if she's seen to be favouring one child ?

 

wac

[nellie]

Baddad,

 

I haven't had time to read the whole thread. I hope I have got the gist of of the problem and I'm not about to make a fool of myself.

 

Maybe she finds you irresistable and is after your body! You must be some looker!

 

On a more serious note, I would say, thank you for your kind offer but I'm afraid I can't accept. No excuses! Give her an excuse and she might just move the goalposts. You don't have to apologise for refusing her, you have every right to say no thank you.

 

The best of British,

 

Nellie xx

[Helen]

When I mentioned the dog phobia to her I sort of got the impression she thought I was making excuses... she suggested the first outing(s) could be just a walk without the dog, until he felt comfortable.

I would be worried about this suggestion.

 

Nellie said:

I would say, thank you for your kind offer but I'm afraid I can't accept. No excuses! Give her an excuse and she might just move the goalposts. You don't have to apologise for refusing her, you have every right to say no thank you.

I quite agree.

[LittleRae]

Hi

 

Agree with lots of the posts and think it's not a good idea to let Ben go with just her.

 

BUT... it could be a good opportunity (a) for letting him spend time with a dog and see if it helps his phobia and ( could be a good 'in' to a friendship with another boy.

 

Would you think of explaining your reservations to her but suggest maybe she take her son and her dog to the park and you and Ben could meet them there. That way, he has the opportunity to see both the dog and the boy and if there are any problems you can just leave.

 

You never know, it just might work out and if it doesn't, no harm done. I would, however, have a quick word with the Head to check she's ok - most likely is, if she's working for the school, but Head might have a word about confidentiality etc if you're worried about gossip

 

A

[Malika]

Hi Baddad

 

I am very late on this one but agree mainly with bid, Kathryn and Annie, just keep thinking if this lady is an adult working with the school she should know better that it is not appropriate to establish a relationship with your son outside school, she may just think that he needs a mother figure? still does not seem right why should she takes him on his own? Does she has children herself?

Well if you have a second thought you could just go with them on the pretext that Ben may feel anxious about the dog.

 

Last week something strange happened with me, H TA encourage and agree for her son (in H class) to come over with an other friend when she came to collect her son instead of staying at the door like parents usualy do she came in and had a look at our home and H room (big room we had to divide between us and him), then she says Hi to my partner it was all very friendly but... Am I being paranoid as well? Then on Friday while she had said she would take H with her son and the other friend to play in her home next week her son said to H he is not his triend anymore??? ask H why and he said he does not know, as we had the SEN meeting on Friday I keep wondering???

 

I met plenty people in my life thinking they were going to do a better job with my kids after 2/3 attempt they usualy retreat fairly happy that I am the one in the situation and not them>>>>>>>>

 

Best of luck.

 

Malika.

[call me jaded]

Am I on my own in that I have actually made friends with staff at school?

[kirstie]

Hi folks,

I personally would be very apprehensive if someone wanted to take my NT kids out let alone Lewis! I would say no, as i know that he is likely to run off or have a meltdown and often people don't know how to deal with these situations. I also find that although people ask whats going on with Lewis, they don't actually listen to what you're telling them. Tis a very different world we live in.........

I am thinking back to your posts about the day you went out with someone else here and the kids got on brilliantly and it sounded like you had an amazing time, now THAT i think is great, and it made for very entertaining and comfortable reading, the dinner lady, however..... nahhhh! I would also feel very cheesed off if someone had gone to my son first and then me to ask if it was ok, as you say you're kind of backed into a corner and i hate that.

Maybe she does have the hots for you??! Maybe she is trying to 'save' Ben and in some very odd way thinks she is doing him a good turn by trying to mother him, but go with your feelings and don't explain yourself (to her or anyone) should you chose not to allow Ben to go with her.

Over protective? not atall, brilliant Dad? definatley.

When i was on my own with the kids i know how people used to look down on me as if i were some sort of sleazey ta*t ( How did they guess???? ) little did they know 'daddy-o was a violent raging alcoholic who was getting it on with his brothers wife so **** what anyone thinks of you and your situation they must have very sad and boring lives if all they have to do is gossip about you and yours. i totally admire what you're doing for your Son and appreciate how hard it can be. I know it's not always easy allowing people 'in' so thank you for that.

What evre you decide to do with Ben and the dinner lady i am sure it will be right for you both.

Take care,

Kirstie.