Autistic children in care

[007paul007]

This is a thread that I started in our group on Ebay and I am wondering what people think here ? Sometimes people put their children with Autism into care cause they cannnot cope and also for various other reasons, I know from my experiences in life that I could never possibly do that. I am just wondering what people think on this topic and also whether they would or not ?

[tsmom]

Never in a million years.My daughter ASD and my son Nt are my entire world i love them both unconditionaly.

[bid]

This is a tricky one, because we can never really comment until we have walked in another's steps...

 

I would think that the majority of parents would not make such a decision lightly

 

Bid

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

 

If there wasn't medication for my Autistic child then I wouldn't have a choice, my child would be at risk to himself.....thats how severe his Autism traits are, I know every child is different.

 

When my boy was 8 a professional suggested this so I could have a life, I looked at her and said I wouldn't have a life if they took my beautiful boy away from me. Medication makes that possible for me to manage him, and he is adorable, I love him to bits, now I am teary even answering this question.

 

I know some parents whose childs Autism is worse than my boys and they have no choice in the matter, respite care is a good option, but my heart goes out to these parents that have to do this, but they know its best for their child.

 

There is my answer

 

But don't mind you asking

 

Hailey

Edited March 2, 2006 by hallyscomet

[BusyLizzie100]

Never in a million years.My daughter ASD and my son Nt are my entire world i love them both unconditionaly.

 

 

ditto a thousand times with my own kids.

Edited March 2, 2006 by BusyLizzie100

[Flora]

It wouldn't be even something I would think about. Even if I was in the unfortunate position of not being able to care for my children for one reason or another, I have family and friends who would take over. I consider myself fortunate in that I have enough health, love, stability, and whatever else it takes to be a functional and affective parent.

 

Others are not so fortunate and I wouldn't dream of judging them for it. Things must be pretty desperate for a child to be taken in to care for whatever reason, and there is always a background to it. I think every single case where a child is in care is different and I don't think is something I feel qualified to comment on in any great depth.

 

Life isn't always easy, but I consider myself and my children some of the lucky ones; it makes me feel sad to think of the many children out there who have been in less fortuante circumstances; and the many families torn apart because they have issues that have grown too big for them to deal with.

 

When I was younger and just starting a family, me and my then husband (we are divorced now) often talked about adopting a child when the children we had got older. I always imagined it would be child not a baby, and possibly one with autism or downes syndrome (because tragically yes many of these children are put in to care). If it hadn't been for the fact that 2 of my 3 children are ASD then I would probably still do it. Ironic in a somewhat sad way.

 

Also, as I'm typing this I have just recalled something. When I was training to be a nurse I did a stint on a kids ward. There was one little boy who had the worst eczema I've ever seen. He was about one years old and his eczema was so bad that he couldn't straighten his legs without them cracking so the muscles had wasted. We affectionatly called him the 'scabby babby' (I'm from Newcastle and broad geordie's call a baby a babby ). He was admitted periodically when his mum wanted a rest; she would stop his daily moisturising which would mean his eczema would flare up, he'd be admitted for a few days and she would disappear until it was time for him to go home. She was deaf, and had learning difficulties. Looking back I now recognise that this child was probably autistic, and I'm sure his mum was too. She eventually lost him to SS and he was taken in to care. I don't know what happened after that. It would be easy to point the finger and say 'bad mother'... but it really wasn't as simple as that. She was a lovely girl, and it was obvious that she loved her child, but she just didn't have the ability to cope; nor the ability to recognise that she wasn't coping.

 

Lauren

[JsMum]

Well I have just filled in a reply and lost it, it was good too, oh well start again.

 

 

Right firstly I think that too many children are going into care especially special needs and that is because the money is only been spent on crisis situation, so this is where the relationship has broken down and the mother is emotionally exhausted and the children are placed in care because its come to crisis point.

 

 

Where was the help and support before this crisis, well the snag is there isnt any support unless your in a crisis.

 

 

There isnt any proventions and support before it gets to a crisis, I have often thought I cant cope and think about putting J in care but I know from working in the system that is not always true, its a mess, many foster parents are taking on too many children because there is a shortage of foster placements and many children who need specialist care homes are put in tempory basic homes where the kids dont cope because no one is trained and specialised enough.

 

Emergency care is just that, a place here there and everywhere, a child may need to go into an emergency placement and have several changes before a more permanant one is found.

 

This puts a child with Autism with extreame stress and anxiety!

 

 

I really do get very upset when I know of cases where children are in care because in the very beginning support was refused and that because the money is tied up in pockets called crisis!

 

The Price of care for a week!

 

Fosterparents ?350

 

Childrens Home ?500

 

Specialist Childrens Home upto ?2000

 

Young Offenders Institution ?1000

 

Hospital ?1000

 

Home with Parent or parents ?43 if on income support

?75 if parents work

 

 

 

So as you can see that children are defo cheaper for the system if children are at home but the money is just not there for support and services and so for many parents who cant cope then crisis is then where the children are supported.

 

 

Its wrong and the money should be there for support at home, providing practical support and providing training and specialist to support familys.

 

PREVENTION IS THE WAY FORWARD.

 

JsMum

[jen]

Its nice to think we would not have to put our child into care because we have a lovely family.However the realities of dealing with our children are very different. Dealing with special needs child for relatives is more difficult because they do not have that unique bond.

 

 

We can not say what we would do until we are faced with the situation. Illness and depression, divorce can change things for everyone

 

Jen

[oracle]

I know a family who opted for a residential school for their child because had they not then there other two children would probably have had to go into care. I know that that decision was very hard for them, but so was watching their other two children who were almost kept hidden because their brother would attack them on sight They felt as if they were having to chose and it broke their heart.

 

I know how difficult it can be in here when my two are on a 'I hate him' mindset, which can last for weeks at a time. There have been times when I have thought that David may have to go and stay with his Dad for awhile and just thinking it breaks me up but sometimes some people have to make impossible choices.

 

I always think there but for the grace of god go I. How can we comment if we are not living that life. I can't imagine anyone taking a decision like that lightly.

Edited March 2, 2006 by carole

[TuX]

My parents wanted to have me in care from a young age,and from 15 onwards,wanted to throw me out of the house,they had no idea that my problems had a reason though and didn't bother getting help beyond toddler age due to my old GP saying scans never showed up any abnormalities and my difficulties were the result of very disruptive,bad behavior.

 

I think the difference between going into care and not going into care,is whether the childs' difficulties have been properly recognised or not.

Those with a diagnosis [of any disability/difficulty] are able to get more support,coping strategies and understanding than those without.

There should be more physical support for families with Autistic children to avoid childrens homes or fostering becoming a possibility.

[asereht]

I always think there but for the grace of god go I. How can we comment if we are not living that life. I can't imagine anyone taking a decision like that lightly.

 

 

 

I agree, when I heard about someone putting their child into care ,I thought how could they, but then I thought well I don't know their situation.

 

I could never imagine doing it no matter what but as Bid said, we can't comment unless we have walked in those shoes.

 

It is too easy to criticise from the outside.

 

Theresa

[Richt]

No way anyone outside can judge, our little family often worries about implications and "what ifs" but I don't think we'd change anything for the world. But that's us. Our youngest misses out quite a lot, we do our best, but he doesn't live the same life as kids in his class. All the same, he's resiliant and tough, knows his own mind and stands up for himself - he's a survivor and will do OK. I'm the ASD one, the eldest attends a special school (learning difficulties & physical disability) We do fine most of the time

[lil_me]

I don't think I could ever let my children go into care, unless I was an unfit mother and couldn't look after them properly I wouldn't even consider it. I also wouldn't judge anyone for putting their children in care as I don't think it is an easy decision.

 

What I think made me feel more strongly was when I met a lady with 2 adopted children with PDDNOS, she was advised not to adopt them as they were difficult. Makes you wonder how many are told this.

[justamom]

I personally would never put my son in care - have never even considered it but then again i am lucky because i have a good support network (family to help out) and we are coping. It when things at home are going pear shaped for whatever reason, violence,etc that parents consider care and it could never be easy for a parent having to make that decision and i thank god that i have not been put into that position....

 

justamom

[Guest hallyscomet]

Off topic, but I couldn't help notice Laurens signature

 

 

The question that sometimes drives me hazy; am I or are the others crazy? ... Albert Einstein

 

Normal is just a cycle on a washing machine

 

Normal is just a cycle on a washing machine, Love it Lauren

 

H.

[Guest hallyscomet]

I know a family who opted for a residential school for their child because had they not then there other two children would probably have had to go into care. I know that that decision was very hard for them, but so was watching their other two children who were almost kept hidden because their brother would attack them on sight They felt as if they were having to chose and it broke their heart.

 

I know how difficult it can be in here when my two are on a 'I hate him' mindset, which can last for weeks at a time. There have been times when I have thought that David may have to go and stay with his Dad for awhile and just thinking it breaks me up but sometimes some people have to make impossible choices.

 

I always think there but for the grace of god go I. How can we comment if we are not living that life. I can't imagine anyone taking a decision like that lightly.

 

I agree Carole

 

H.

[CarerQuie]

I'd never judge anyone for their decision to have a child taken into care.xx

[lynyona]

As previously said i wouldnt judge anyone because we dont know the circumstances ,and im going to say that i cant say i wouldnt if the seriousness of the situation called for it and it was the best or even the only option.But i can say this if anything happen to me and dh i cant really see any of my family taking him on even his elder brothers,we had this converstion me and dh the other day,and i dont honestly think dh would cope with him alone either ,he would have to have a lot of support in place as we are the only people that support him as it stands now.

 

lynn

[AmyNelson]

There are alternatives to a child going completely into care. For some families at breaking point, (if a place could be found) a child could go to a residential school so that they would come home either at weekends, or just during school hoildays.

 

Concerning going into care, as in foster care, or a care home, I think each family has to decide what's best or even possible for them. A child could have additional illnesses, or a parent could. I think it would be a very hard decision to make and a real last resort.

[curra]

I would never put my son into care! Often I worry what would he do if anything happened to me? - he might end up taken into care. Having said that, I wouldn't judge parents who take this step willingly because they have their own circumstances and who knows maybe the children are better with foster parents. But more support should be available to families with children with disabilities so that the children can live with parents.

 

Curra

[Tylers-mum]

I an't gonna lie. I have considered it on numerous occasions. I am a single mum with NO family support and the emotional and physical abuse I get for T day in day out, takes it's toll.

I know that one day, I'll run away and never come back but each and every time I consider that or putting T into care, I manage to overcome the 'downer' I'm on and fight on for him. But, in the long run, that's causing even more havoc on my emotional state.

 

JMO.

 

That said, I love him with ALL my heart and doubt very much that I ever could or would give him up. I love him too much for that but that doesn't stop me from thinking it when times are rough!.

Edited March 3, 2006 by Tylers-mum

[007paul007]

I know where you are coming from when we were having a real bad period that we came through, and I think we feel stronger , wiser and closer together for it, there was one point where I just broke down and thought we might lose him and he might go into care, I don't know if the thought of him going into care was going to make us look a bad parent or that we failed I don't know. Also was it because when i grew up there used to be a stigma attached to parents with children in care , just like there is a stigma in way with Social workers.Do you think it has anything to with the way we were brought and our life experiences and whether or not it has anything to do with the type of person you , whether you are a strong or weak charcter or person.

Just curious and just an opinion and I don't mean to cause anyone any offence, so please don't take it personally.

[oracle]

Do you think it has anything to with the way we were brought and our life experiences and whether or not it has anything to do with the type of person you , whether you are a strong or weak charcter or person.

 

I think that it is probably a bit of both. My Mum took on the role of Carer to her MIL just after I was born and just after her MIL died her own Mum took ill . As a family we spent most of my childhood caring for one or other of my grandmothers. All I ever saw was my Mum getting on with it and rarely complaining. I realise now that her own brothers were a disgrace and could have done lots more to help. I myself can not remember being able to have a social life between a Monday and a Friday before the age of 19 because my Dad worked nights and it took two people to put my Nan to bed and two people to see to her needs. It was something I just got on with like my Mum. Maybe that's why I just get on with things now - although I have been know to complain

 

My hubby spent 8 years of his life in care. So he really does know about this one from the inside out. One day he came out of school to find a Police Car sitting waiting to take him and his brother and sister to a home because his Mum had taken ill. What was supposed to be a very short term care issue turned out to be 8 years. For two of those years he had no contact at all with his Mum. How frightening must that be for a child of 6 years old? This has certainly impacted on his life and still does to this day. He too is a very strong person but for totally different reasons to me. He is well used to hardship. His time in care was anything but nice and his brother has successfully brought actions against his local authority for the abuse that he suffered in the care home My hubby will not go there he does not want any reminders.

 

Our formative years play a huge part in forming our character I know they did mine but I think it also depends on what we have inside ourselves. We all have a different idea of what a heavy load is and what we can cope with? I do know one thing for certain. I am a very intolerant person now. Lots of people here say that living with ASD has made them more tolerant - not me. I can not stand people who moan about things which are totally cosmetic and trivial, which I know is dreadful because who am I to decide what is and is not trivial? But I lose patience with people so easily now outside of my ASD network. I would like to be nicer to others but when my Step Daughter sat crying in my house because she had a headache I had to place a zip on my mouth. I think that I use up all of my reserves just dealing with my kids and my voluntary work.

 

I'm going now before you get my life story.

 

Carole

[jayjay]

I couldnt put our son in care it would break my heart

jayne xx

Edited March 3, 2006 by jayjay

[stressedmumto2]

I understand how a parent could do it.

 

I have felt like walking out several times but as soon as I get that real bad feeling like I can't cope I get angry. I get angry that no services are their to help families like ours. It's then that I get my bit of fight back in me, I think that bit of fight is what stops me from walking out.

 

I know no matter how hard it get's I love my children I think I would feel very empty without them.

[Canopus]

I remember watching a documentary several years ago about autistic kids in care homes. The treatment they got by both the staff and NT kids was appalling. I can't recall any mention of AS and from the looks of things the kids had conventional autism.

 

It's a shame I didn't record the programme.

 

So as you can see that children are defo cheaper for the system if children are at home but the money is just not there for support and services and so for many parents who cant cope then crisis is then where the children are supported.

 

 

Its wrong and the money should be there for support at home, providing practical support and providing training and specialist to support familys.

 

A notable feature of traditional socialism is that it doesn't redistribute wealth. Instead it taxes everybody and provides public services. Left wing governments will try their hardest to provide a public service rather than give money directly to people even though the cost of a public service may be much greater.

[Lucas]

Curse those damn socialists! *Shakes fist in the traditional English manner*

 

I consider myself to be politically a Democratic Socialist and religiously Secular Agnostic(as opposed to disgusting, moral-free and utilitarian Secular Humanist). I do see a re-occurring theme across all lefty ideals though: the kind of picture of the future is of a utopia without disability. The problem with this vision is that it defines disability by the medical model, so what it means by there being no disabled people is just that: no PEOPLE carrying traits that burden others.

 

And it isn't an accident that the left-wing Stalin killed more people, targeting Jews and disabled people, than the right-win Hitler. Which one is given the most attention though?

 

What is really weird in today's Britain is how a paranoid Schizophrenic that may in all likelyhood kill someone is often in some 'care in the community' scheme where they are hardly ever checked-up on. So when the headlines roll "Mental patient kills angelic victim" it places an idea in the public consciousness that mental patients in general and as a whole should not be in society. Contrast this with non-dangerous mental patients that are often imprisoned in institutions or get so little help outside that they are driven to do something which social services use as an excuse to section them.

 

Unfortunately socialists are slow to accept the social definition of disability, because it's an inconvenient idea for them. How can you have a socialist utopia after all if you have to look after someone twenty-four hours a day? They don't want disabled people on their side; they've appeased enough special interest groups to buy their support now and that's it, don't need any more.

 

I do get into some heated arguements and get called some strange things before having to explain that I'm a democratic socialist, followed by an explaination of what the social(ist) disability model is. It does seem a bit hard for a lot of lefties to accept that socialism is supposed to be for everyone, so they percieve disabled people as 'arguing for the right to remain disabled' when it's nothing of the sort.

 

Unfortunately a lot of people with these ideas work in the care system, so when they get an Autistic career, they will always assume that the patient is there because of the condition and nothing else. This is not good for the individual, who will disintergrate inside quickly.

[007paul007]

Thankyou for your kind replies and not jumping on my back like I am saying something wrong and upsetting anyone as that is not my intention.

 

CAROLE

 

did it effect your Husbands feeling towards his mum in any way or did it effect is relationship with her. The only reason I ask is that my wife was put in care from birth until she was 5 when she was adopted, she has never met her mother and i have asked her if she would ever want to meet her or trace her and she said know as far as she was concerned she was abandoned by her, so that brings me on to another issue could that effect children with special needs in that way, does it damage or improve the relationship with the parent ?

 

Also i think lifes experiences do play a part in a parents decision, i had my mother die , it was a situation that required the whole family to make the decision to turn off the life support machine, which to say the least was very traumatic for me, then the first anniversary of my mums death I found my father dead, he had committed suicide and then just over 2 years ago my only brother died with cancer, three very traumatic deaths that I have had to cope with and eventually get over with, now I believe this has made more stronger, before my sons worse ever behaviour period, i used to think what I had been through when things were bad and that made me see what was happening was a breeze to get through cmpared to what had been through before, I mean if I can get through finding my dad on that fateful day then surely I can breeze through a bad day with my son.

does everyone see where I am coming from ?

again no offence intended to anyone

[oracle]

PAUL

 

I would say that it did not effect my Husbands relationship with his Mum, - but it certainly did with his sister. It is very complicated and something I don't want to go into here. What I will say is that as well as being in care for so long my husband also has no idea who his father is. He tends to store all of his anger and point it in his direction, making asumptions along the way. Were it me, which it is not, I would want some answers from my Mum but he respects her silence. I could not do that. I may pm you at some point about this - but my lap top is down again and I am at the mercy of my eldest again

 

I think that whatever happens to us helps to shape us. You have certainly had a tough time. Yes I think things like this shape you but let's be honest we could pretty much do without the shaping now.

 

<'>

 

Carole

[Mother in Need]

Paul, I was taken away from my mum at the age of 4 (for a very good reason unfortunately), and subsequently spent 4 years in a care home with my older sister, my disabled brother was fostered out. When my father remarried, my sister and I came to live with 'them'.

How has that affected me? Enormously. Without going into my life story (actually, you know more about my past now than most people who think they know me well) it has affected my relationship with both parents. I have to add as well that I often wished I was back in that care home, due to the abuse I suffered later within this 'new' family.

As soon as I reached the age of 18, I became independent and now have no contact with anyone at all. I certainly have no emotional connection left.

 

As for putting my AS son into care, I reached such a low last year that on several occasions I got very close to driving him down to SS offices and leave him there. What stopped me from doing so was my fear that they might then take my other two children away from me as well, so for their sakes I battled on.

[007paul007]

Carole

yes please feel free to pm me anytime with any questions or anything you want to talk about.

 

Mother in Need

 

Thankyou for taking the time to post I am sorry to hear of what you have been through and I thankyou for being honest, I always applaud honesty. Thankyou for sharing this with as it is always interesting to hear about things like what happenned to you and I think it discussions like this do help people not only understand but also in their decisions if they are currently go through a tough decision making time.

[DaisyFulkirk]

I have a very good friend who is quite a young mum with two children and no partner who had quite a hard childhood herself and has some mental health issues and her children are 7 and 9 I think now and they're not autistic but just lively children and because my friend lives in the countryside she can't get ANY parenting help at all, the bus drops the children off home after school and thats it, they can't go to after-school club, she can't get to parenting classes (no car), there's no holiday schemes they can go to. She will only get help if she says she can't cope and asks social services to take her children into care, and of course she won't do that unless she's in absolute desperate state and then they really would take the children into care, even though they could stop her from even getting in that state by letting her have the help and a taxi so she can go to classes and after-school groups for the children and so on.

 

It's so terribly unfair and I am sure that kind of thing happens to parents of autistic kids too, only even worse - even less after-school clubs and holiday schemes to go to, even less (like for instance 'none') nights when they sleep at a friend's house... like other people have said we are spending so so much on crisis care, if we spent as much on every-day helping parents to cope and children to be happy then we wouldn't need half that crisis provision.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think that's an extremely difficult question to answer. Personally I couldn't put my child into care no matter how bad things get. One thing I would say is that I knew someone who couldn't cope with her two normal children. She suffered from severe depression for years before and eventually decided that the best thing for her children was to put them into care. I have to say that I admired her a great deal for having the strength and courage to do that. She cared for her kids so much that she felt it best to give them the chance of a better life. That must have been the hardest decision to make. On the other hand, your occasionally hear of women/girls giving birth in silence and dumping the baby's body in a plastic bag ? this turns my stomach (doesn't give a child a chance at all and means they're playing god)! I guess what I'm saying, is that both illustrations are often very difficult for people to get their heads round when they're not in a situation like that. But I think that any parent who puts their child into care must have hit rock bottom, but still love their child enough to do what they think is right, and ultimately they're giving their child a chance in the hope that they they're cared for and have a better life.

 

Caroline.

[butterflycake]

I couldnt do it but i have thought of it, and i love my kids and thats what would stop me from doing it but i can understand how people cant see any other way forward. Ive got help from my mum and my husband but if i didnt have them i would need respite for my kids as i wouldnt be able to cope. My son is 3 with asd and is noverbal and my elder son is 5 with adhd.

[CarolJ]

Well i have to say i have faced this situation - I moved from family home to escape domestic violence, into refuge and am now in temporary accommodation which is unsuitable for my son. As a result of all this my ASD son went completely ballistic, at one stage almost fell through conservatory roof because my daughter had opened the window because it was so hot. My son has to be watched constantly and he takes all my time and attention as i am on my own with no network of support (friends/family). Unfortuantely respite was woefully inadequate and patchy, after makign numerous late night phone calls to social services begging for help, my sons sleep patterns were haywire. The house needs adapting and social services suggestions were not followed up by practical assistance. They seemed to disbelieve that i had literally NOONE to ask to for help.

 

Social Services made me feel as if I was a terrible parent and in a way i believed them because i felt as if I was failing both my children. Due to the need of caring for my son my house deteriorated. SS would come round and say how about a clean up too much clutter etc. etc. I felt as if I was expected to be this robotic carer, chief cook n bottle washer. Meals are difficult to prepare as my son needs to be watched at all times.

 

He has flooded the house numerous times. smashed windows and broken tvs, dvds etc. etc.

 

Refusal to bath i had to drag him bodily upstairs whilst he punched n kicked (he is not a small boy and is very strong) I am not very large myself having lost alot of weight in the past couple of years, violent outbursts, bruises, black eyes from him.

 

 

My son is a screamer and my daughter has sensory problems, if he screams so does she covering her ears telling me to get her brother to shut up.

 

I felt as if i was playing a delicate balance with my sons life, it would take one lapse and he would have a serious accident. Indeed it almost happened with conservatory roof incident and kicking the glass through in his bedroom because i was busy on the loo or taking the washing out the washing machine and of course that was my fault too!

 

I had to climb out on the corrugated plastic roof and inch myself over to my son who had instinctivly froze.

 

The final crux came when my son repeatedly kicked a mirrored wardrobe door in my bedroom at 3.00am in morning, which such force it started to come off its fixings (it is a floor to ceiling thick heavy door it would have killed him if it had fallen on him). After what felt like a 1000 times telling him to stop (he is completely non verbal) i just lost it and flew for him and yes i am ashamed to admit I started to hit him, i lost control but somewhere at the back of my mind I realised that unless I did something something was doen to stop this situation something truley awful would happen. The look on his face broke my heart and I started to cry, it was an awful awful feeling that for a split second that I flew for him, I felt as if hated my own child.

 

In sheer desparation I phoned Childline and told them what i had done, and that i was scared because i felt as if i would hurt my son if something wasnt done soon.

 

He is always worse at weekends and around school holidays the thought of the six weeks hols was dreadful.

 

I felt as if my son, myself and my daughter were trapped in a prison, all windows secured, doors secured - i felt as if i was fighting a losing battle to contain my son. I didnt enjoy him at all, at every opportunity i was closing off from him, resenting his autism resenting him, hating myself for feeling like this.

 

On the monday I had a phone call from Children with Disability Team and my social worker came round and questions were asked about the "incident" - I asked them to put my son into care to protect him - it was the hardest thing i have ever done - but i did it out of love for him to keep him safe because I felt as if I was no longer capable.

 

The foster place was scaled so it wasnt sudden, knowing that eventually things would improve kept me going for the few more weeks that I had him in my care. Extra respite was offered but this consisted of agency workers who would just come round, and look belwildered when faced with this "Wild Child". One who was a trained nurse working with adults with mental health problems said this is impossible for you to cope with, he struggled to hold my son when i tried to cut his hair and finger and toenails.

 

Some of the agency workers couldnt even speak english let alone had any training in autism.

 

 

Life is full of tough choices and this choice was one of the hardest things I ever had to do - I did it for the right reasons, I was heading for a mental breakdown. I thought i woudl try and use the time with my daughter to help her, she had been totally neglected with the needs of caring for my son.

 

Iniitally the relief of suddenly no longer having to care for for my son was wonderful, i tried not to think of him and tried to concentrate on my daughter. I have regular contact with my son, which has been increased to overnight. This week I will have him from tomorrow thorough to sunday and this is going to be a big test for me.

 

Nothing has changed much except that I am feeling more positive and able to cope and i desparately miss my son. I am sick of living with guilt!. I want this week to go well. My son is always happy to see me and it hurts me so much to say goodbye everytime he goes off to foster placement.

 

Luckily my daughter is at school tomorrow so i will get a whole day with just me and him. His father is comign over too (as we are on speaking terms) and he now recognises the need for support and continuity.

 

I have tried to put in place routine which i know will make my son more secure, of course i am not following the routien that foster parents have to a tee because i dont want to spend the time I have with him, forcing him inot a pattern that he doesnt associate with me. If this week goes well then I am going to have him back but I am gonna fight tooth and nail for proper support to keep him home where he belongs. Not a mishmash of agency workers who dont have a clue.

 

I want time to myself away from both chldren. Without this I will fail.

 

Everyone needs a balance and i feel when i read the posts by the parents on this site that the overwhelming self scarifice is amazing, and i almost feel ashamed. But you still have to take time out. Not everyone has the luxury of a network of support extended family responsible partners. Some ASD kids r more difficult to manage than others. Indeed my daughter is a stroll in the park compared to my son. It seems to get more difficult as they get older.

 

The approach that the foster parents and social services have taken are one of strict routine, and my son has responded well but i know he is not happy. Social services keep stressing to me the importance of keeping his routine in order not to confuse him. My son is adaptable to a certain extent and not as rigid as they seem to think. The fact that he recognises he can behave differently in different situations means he is aware and that gives me lots of hope. He may be autistic but he is still a child.

 

The key to parenting any child let alone an autistic one is try to remain positive. I lost that somewhere along the way and felt as if I had failed as a parent.

 

Giving up your child to foster placement is sometimes not because you dont love them but because you do love them.

 

My son is 7 in october and a big strong lad to boot, my daughter is 10 recently diagnosed ASD.

 

The explosion in the numbers of those diagnosed autistic has come at a bad time in our history. Socially we are isolated. Society is Selfish and uncaring on the whole. The extended family, community just doesnt exist any more. Autism usually spells isolation for families.

 

As for any opnions or judgement noone can judge me as harshly as i have judged myself.I did what i had to do. If i hadnt i may not be sitting here now - and what I did took a lot of guts.

 

The press report on Alison Davies and her 12-year-old son, Ryan touched me. She it seems had some family (mother and sister) to support her but was that desparate that she felt that her only option was to end it all.

 

I wonder how many of you who post to this site have had these thoughts too, I know parents of other autistic kids that i know personally certainly have.

 

I suppose I cant start to change the world, i dont have the time or the inclincation. All i can do is to fight to make things as easy as possible for my little family, as odd as we are lol!

 

Well i have rambled enough. This is giving me another one of my heads!

 

Take care all.

 

CarolJ

Edited September 4, 2006 by CarolJ

[barefoot wend]

CarolJ

 

I was hugely touched by your post and by your courage. I hope things go well for you and your son this week.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Barefoot

[oracle]

<'> <'> <'> Have some of these <'> <'> <'>

 

It's been quite some time since you were last here and it's quite obvious from your post that you have been through hell and not quite back yet. I am full of admiration and respect for you and I for one know how hard it must have been for you to take the decision that you did. You are a very brave lady badly let down by the system. It must have taken a great deal of courage for you to make the call to Child Line and shame on the system for pushing you to that point.

 

You did what was the best thing for 'all' of you at that time and I hope that no one will condem you for that. I certainly wont.

 

It's good to see you back Carol

 

Oracle

Edited September 7, 2006 by oracle

[cmuir]

I think that the things to remember here is that you cannot generalise. People put their children into care for a whole host of reasons, which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with autism (there are people who have 'normal' kids that can't cope). I knew a woman who suffered from depression for years. She had two children whom she loved very much and because she loved them, she felt that the best thing was for her to have her children adopted. She simply felt that she couldn't look after herself after battling serious bouts of depression, let alone two children. I can't say I agree with what she did necessarily, but I certainly admire her for being responsible enough to put her kids first and give them the chance to have a fantastic life with another family that love and care for them. Fact is, there are people who are downright irresponsible, selfish, etc and have kids and put them into care because they can't be botherered. There are also those who care a great deal but can't cope because eg they're ill, etc. Guess you can't say what you'd do unless you found yourself in a really desperate situation.

 

Caroline.

[forbsay]

Hi Carol

 

I too was very touched by your post.

 

Thinking of you all.

 

Forbsay

[baddad]

The explosion in the numbers of those diagnosed autistic has come at a bad time in our history. Socially we are isolated. Society is Selfish and uncaring on the whole. The extended family, community just doesnt exist any more. Autism usually spells isolation for families.

 

CarolJ

 

 

Hiya Sparkles - It is good to see you around again, sorry it's under such trying circumstances....

Of everything you've said, I think that one paragraph highlights the real problem: not lack of commitment or poor parenting or any of those other cop outs, just good people pushed to the end of their tether by a lack of appropriate support...

Have a great week this week - lets hope it's the start of a new begining where you both get the resources you deserve

 

'n' as always

Very VERY best

 

BD <'>