dads funeral

[elaine1]

my dad died on Friday peacefully in his sleep he had colon cancer so he was lucky to be in no pain. I told Tom who looked sad then went off to play on the P.C.. Thing is, his funeral is likely to be next week and the kids are on school hols.

 

We have to go to Cheltneham for the cremation - we live in west mids. So we are likely to be gone all day. He wont stay with anyone for that long, but dont know how he will cope with the funeral. There is no chruch sefice he was an agnostic as are we all, so w dont have that o endure at least. How do i explain about the coffin going into the curtains?.

 

Any suggestions wd be greatefully received, Im too emotional to think straight at the moment. ty

[Brook]

Elaine. <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Thinking of you at this very sad time. <'> <'>

 

Brook

[annie]

<'> <'> Elaine <'> <'>

 

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your Dad . My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

Annie

<'>

[jb1964]

Hi Elain,

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

Can't really offer any advice - my daughter didn't go to her gramps funeral so we didn't have to face that one (she was 4yrs old and still asks about him now and she's 12). How old is Tom? is there anyone who could take him outside just before? although he's probably going to ask questions anyway.

 

Really sorry can't be of any help,

Take care,

Jb

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'> Elaine <'> <'> <'>

 

 

 

Can you just explain that you are going to say goodbye to grandad. That the curtains close as he goes and that's when you say bye - bye? I don't know your beliefs ... whether you can explain that you will see him again ... or that he's a star in the sky ... whatever you use to explain this.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

 

We took J to my husband's aunt's cremation (again -no one to care for him) - as the curtains closed he ran forward and peeped underneath them to see where the coffin had gone

[LKS]

Elaine <'> <'> <'> so very sorry to hear your sad news

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'>

 

For you and youre family.

 

People shy away from death and funerals and i think try wrongly to protect there children from a natural part of life there by making it seam frightening.

 

You dont say how old youre son is but you know what ,id take him the funeral.Dont shut him out of it.Explaine what will happen in plenty of time and ask if hed like to go to say goodbye to grandad.Take youre cue from him.He might just surprise you.

 

If he does play up people will be too concerned with other aspects of the day to bother about what youre son is getting up to.

 

Personally id be more worried about leaving him with someone who might not be suitable hell be better of with you.

 

Take care.

[oracle]

Both of my sons are terrified of death and can obsess over it quite a bit. When my Dad died two years ago now David knew at once but I did not tell Matthew then 7 until the day after his death as I needed some time to come to terms with it first. Matthew is a HUGE believer in a wonderful after life because he needs to believe in something. I did tell him about the funeral and everything but he is still unaware that my Dad was cremated. He would have been unable to live with that and I don't believe that I did the wrong thing in not telling him. He accepted the death and the funeral and afterwards he asked to go back to see all of the flowers he though his grandad was at rest in the Garden of Rememberance and still does. I am happy for him to believe this.

 

Carole

[lorryw]

Elaine,

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Loraine xx

[Guest hallyscomet]

Elaine, <'> <'> <'>

 

My prayers are with you and your family at this sad and difficult time,

 

Just listen to your heart, you will know what to do.

 

Be gentle with yourself, <'> <'> <'>

 

Love

Hailey

[lynyona]

<'> Sorry to hear about your sad loss. <'> When my dad died luckily enough they were at school and i agonised over whether to let him go to the funeral he was 12 at the time i was more bothered about how he would behave and i asked mum and she said if he wanted to he should go ,he was going right up untill the day before,and he just said he wasnt going ,so i had to ring his escort to pick him up as usual.Kieran had a close bond with grandad due to his love of steam trains and to this day he very rarely mentions him like he never existed,on the odd occasion he might just if he s watching a video and he ll say this was one of grandads but that is it.Your son may just surprise you,as the others say it is hard when you have no one to leave him with who he would be happy to stay with <'> <'> <'>

 

lynn

[tmf]

<'> <'> <'>

 

Thoughts are with you and your family at such a sad time.

 

You don't say how old your son is. My son is 6 and we explained that his nanny was poorly and had gone to live with the angels. He accepted this. We keep her memory alive with pictures, we talk to her every so often and i also take him to the crem to lay flowers. When we get there the trees always seem to start shaking with a slight breeze, we explain that is nanny saying hello. I know it sounds daft, but he excepts this.

 

The sad thing is, my son actually never met my nan, she died yrs before he was born. But he taks about her and knows about her because of keeping her memory alive. It was something we had to do because he couldn't understand why we were leaving flowers on the ground!

 

As for your dilema, i don't know what to say to help. Are there any books around in child format that explains death? I know its not the same, but when i was pregnant with my daughter i gave my son a book that explained mummy's tummy getting bigger and the end result was a baby to live with us. When she was born, he accepted her straight away because he was prepared.

 

Take care

[phasmid]

Hi Elaine, so sorry to hear of your loss. Obviously explaining it all will be very hard for you to do. When my mother-in-law died phas jr had full melt down when he couldn't go to park after school as I wanted him home to explain what had happened. The repeated screams of "Tell me now why I can't go." still haunt me even now, many years later. He showed very little emotion at the time (then not dx'd -officialy) and we found that hard to cope with.

 

I think you'll just have to open your mouth and start telling him and see what comes out. Gut instinct will help you to do this as you know how much he will take in and, more importantly, understand. I hope he takes enough in for the day itself so that you can get through it ok.

 

Thinking of you and your family.

 

Phas

[Suze]

Elaine I,m so sorry <'> ................at the point proir to when the coffin and curtains close could someone take him outside, maybe with some helium filled balloons to let go, or flowers to lay on the garden of rememberance.Could he write a goodbye letter to put with your dad.Take care <'> <'> Suzex

[Jill]

Just sending some of these <'> <'> can't offer any practical advice as we've not had this experience yet.

[karin]

hi elaine1 so sorry to hear about your dad my thoughts are with you and your family at this emotional time look after each other,when my father in law ws dying we made a conscious decision to let the twins visit him in hospital to realise that some people do not always live it was hard for us but im glad we did it we just sat them down quietly and explained all about what happens when people die i hoped they understood they were only little at the time,but surprise surprise they did take it in as they were doing something at school last week about easter and jesus dying and 1 said just like my grandad he went to heaven,all i can say is if your son asks tell him everything you know that way he may understand it all sending you these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> take care luv karin xx

[Kathryn]

Elaine,

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

K xx

[sharron]

l can't offer any advice as kieran was at school when it was my dads funeral. l thought it would be easier than taking him.

my thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad time.

 

<'> <'> <'>

[redberry]

<'>

Sending <'>

thinking of you and your family

 

redberry

[hev]

elaine,hope you are bearing up today,have no words of advice but whatever you decide it will be the right decision,am thinking of you love hev x

[nicki41971]

<'> <'> <'> i'm sorry to hear your sad news our thoughts are with you at this difficult time <'> <'> like another person said to follow your heart at the time and you'll do what you need to do <'> <'>

[lindy-lou]

sorry to hear your sad news elayne <'>

[Malika]

Elaine <'> <'> <'>

 

my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. <'> <'>

 

Malika.

[elaine1]

when we took Tom to see dad in hospital he was all over the place, pacing up and down. Then he didt go to sleep until 2 in the morning, and he wet the bed too.

He hasnt done that in ages. The funeral is wednesday so we have no choice but to take him, his dad will probably have to stay outside with him when we go to the crem.

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Elaine

 

Sorry to hear of your loss <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I'm glad you're taking him to the funeral because I believe it helps with the grieving process. My Uncle died when I was 9, I was very close to him and unfortunately I was also the one to find him dead.

 

I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral and even now, years on, I find it difficult to think what happened to him, he has no grave or memorial stone but I know he's with me every day.

 

Because your son is so logically minded it would be better for him to see what happens or he'll just keep on wondering. I think it would help him a great deal as everyone, especially people who are not good with emotions, need closure. But that's only my personal view.

[BusyLizzie100]

Daisyproudfoot has a good point about closure; I know my kids need to know when something is 'finished' and it might let your son move on to the next stage of grieving, rather than obsessing about what may or may not be happening. Ultimately it is your decision, of course, but go easy on yourself and remember that you are grieving, too, and in need of comfort and support at this time and for some time to come.

 

My Mum died when I was 15, a long time ago now, but it's important to me that the kids 'know' her in some way. We have a lovely photo of her looking off into the distance and once, out of desperation (!) I said that she was looking for Jesus, and that's what has stuck! My boys go to a church school so that's OK with them. My six-year-old (ASD) seems to accept it as quite straightforward. My eight-year-old (AS) goes along with it, although he's already discounted the Bible because it doesn't mention the dinosaurs, and I think that deep down he probably worries that my Mum died so young, in case I do too.

 

Sadly we also had some sad news this week, my uncle died unexpectedly at the weekend and we are all still reeling. Again the boys took it in their stride, although the eldest did pause a while to take it in and seemed genuinely saddened. My husband has offered to stay off work to look after the three boys, which is probably how it'll work best for them, but I really wish he could come with me, to support me but also because to show respect to my uncle. It's a tough one.

 

You may have already had the funeral, in which case, I hope it went peacefully for all concerned. Take care of yourself and keep talking about your Dad.

 

All the best,

Lizzie

[Kathryn]

Elaine,

 

<'> <'> I'm sure you'll find the best way to help your son through this week, and I hope that you find time to look after yourself and to grieve too.

 

and Lizzie, so sorry to hear about your uncle. <'>

 

K x

[asereht]

Elaine and lizzie,so sorry to hear your sad news,Take care <'> <'>